Rehabilitated
by Kaylie-chan
Summary: Everyone has an addiction, some worse than others, her addiction was unique and it drew him in, her story was not for the faint of heart. Rated T for a reason VH not to good at summaries lol -- AU fic!
1. The Introduction

Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne, only thing I own is this lil fanfic rite here…other than that --- it aint mines….lol

Kaylie-chan: Hey everyone! This is my attempt at a chapter story for the first time in a long time. I'm going to try my hand at it, see if I still got it lol

Sun-chan: -walks inside room- hey everyone! I just wanted to say hi and stuff since my sister done put me to slave labor doing all of our homework!

Kaylie-chan: - pushes sun-chan out of the room – SORRYYY!!! Stupid sis! Anyways, onto the story!

**The Introduction**

So, I'm sitting here, watching everyone give their story as to why they are in the predicament that they are in, freaking meetings suck. I'm just waiting, hopefully the man sitting the middle won't call on me, because I'm definitely NOT trying to put my business out there for all these people who I don't even know to hear and then let them judge me. I tucked my honey blond hair behind my ear and slouched into the seat hoping that no one noticed me sitting in the very back of the group.

"Ms. Kanzaki? Do you want to share your story? You've been coming to these meeting for about a month now, I think its time everyone heard your story, you know theirs."

I turned my head when my name was mentioned. Fuck. I knew he was going to ask me to speak eventually, but still, I had to keep the hope alive that he wouldn't. I shook my head, month or not, I did not want to share my friggin story. Why does everyone want to hear the sad sad story of Hitomi Kanzaki? Yet and still the man in the middle, stupid psychiatrist, was urging me to tell my story, so I stood up, and walked to the front of the group, as was customary and spoke into the microphone.

"Hello everyone my name is Hitomi Kanzaki, many of my friends call me 'Tomi-chan –"

I looked at the man in the middle and then swept my eyes across the room, my eyes landing on someone who had just walked in, someone new to the class with long dark hair and mahogany eyes. I looked back at the man in the middle, and his eyes urged me to continue and I closed my eyes and sighed quietly, and spoke again,

"I am 22 years old. I guess I'm supposed to tell you my story, of how I came to be the girl standing in front of you. I used to be happy and carefree. I used to laugh everyday and always there when someone needed a shoulder to lean on."

I took a breath and let my eyes sweep the room again; landing on those Mahogany eyes that seemed to burn into my soul the more I stared into those depths, in those eyes I found something, something that I thought was very familiar, almost, kindred in a way, like those eyes understood my story even though I had yet to speak out loud as to what my story actually was. I looked at the psychiatrist, his eyes showing nothing only sympathy for what he knew I had to speak on. I was forced to come up here and speak on something that I had no desire to speak on, but fine, he was making me do and do I shall, I hope the people in here are ready for this because this is no mere overdose issue.

"That was until he came, and he took from me what was most important to me, my daughter, Arianna. She was only a year and two days old."

I stopped and looked up, the whole crowd was staring at me, sadness and sympathy written across their faces, forcing myself to avoid the gaze of the mahogany eyed stranger and instead on the story that I knew that I had to tell, one that I wished I never would have had to tell,

"You're wondering why I would be here because of it, this is, afterall, a meeting about addiction. But see, my addiction, my only thought, there was only one thing that I was addicted to doing, I was hell bent on finding the person who killed my only child, my little Arianna. My smile and my joy. So, I guess, you could say revenge is my addiction. But before you judge me, let me tell you all, my sweet Arianna was no more a burden than she was a pure blessing."

I stopped speaking. I had to. I found myself staring off in a daze, almost hearing Arianna's sweet laughter as she spoke in her baby language to me. And I almost cried. I removed the hoodie from my face and took a breath, opening my bright green eyes to look directly at the mahogany eyed stranger and spoke again,

"They say that the only way to free yourself from an addiction to is identify the problem, well then, let's start from the beginning. It all began when I was 16 years old…"

I closed my eyes and began my story.


	2. The Reason

Kaylie-chan: Still don't own Escaflowne --- but here's the next chapter, its all in Hitomi's POV – jus an FYI so you guys can know whats going on!

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**The Reason**

I was the average teenager at the age of sixteen, I had it all, friends, a job, I was an athlete with plenty of scouts looking at me, already, and I had a boyfriend. I couldn't have been happier. I mean, who wouldn't be, I had it all. Then, the day before my seventeenth birthday, it all changed. I was on a date with my boyfriend, Allen Schezar, it was an early birthday dinner because he knew that my friends would want to spend my birthday with me, just us girls like we did every year for our birthdays after all, life gets hectic when you're a student-athlete with a boyfriend and job.

Allen was a little older than me, okay he was a lot older than me. We had been friends when we were kids, and our families had always been close, so although he was 21 years old, and I was a mere 16 years old, now seventeen, our families approved of our relationship because they trusted us and knew that we had known each other since before we could remember. Allen had been drinking and so he was a little more aggressive than he usually was. But, I just laughed him off as I did every other time that he had been drinking. Allen suggested that we go to Gaea Creek, which is the known make-out spot, I agreed only because the view from there is amazing, and I knew that Allen would never take advantage of me. So, we went, and although I knew that he had had too much to drink, I let him drive. We made it there safely, surprisingly enough and although he kept coming on to me, I would not let him have sex with me. Then, he said, out of nowhere, that he was going into the militia and that this would be his last week with me and then he kissed me. I felt so bad for him, and I loved him so, that when he tried, I let him have sex with me. I figured, it would only be this once and it would mean that we would always be together.

After we had had sex, I felt horrible, but it was mostly because it was unprotected and I knew better than that. But, it was only this one time, so we went home and kissed each other goodnight. I went straight to sleep and didn't think about anything else except that right now, I was seventeen years old and a grown woman.

The next day, I awaken to the sullen faces of my mother and brother. I knew something terrible had happened. When I asked, my mother gave me a hug and told me that everything would be fine, for a second, I thought she knew that Allen and I had had sex that night before. My brother looked sad too, though, and that was awkward, usually he would jump on me, hit me and then run away laughing before I could catch him, because it was my birthday. But, today, he looked depressed, his chocolate brown eyes giving way to the sadness that he felt. So, as mother held me, I looked up at him questions in my eyes, he looked away and mother pulled back and looked at me and held my hands in her own. That was how she told me that Allen had died in a car accident on the way home last night, but that the other driver had hit him, and that Allen died instantaneously and that the other driver was perfectly fine. I sat in horror at the statement that came from my mother's mouth. When I suddenly felt very sick, and I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I thought it was from the pain that I had felt hearing that Allen had died and that it had happened while I had been sleeping peacefully in my bed. I couldn't stop throwing up and mother just thought it was because I was in shock from what had happened. That whole day, I didn't want to be bothered, and my friends understood that, it was by far, the worst day ever for a birthday. Things began to get better though, after a few months, but it was during that time, that I noticed that I had begun to gain a little weight, and that I was more tired than what I usually was. So, I told my mother, she thought it was because I was grieving and had neglected my usual working out habits that I had even when out of season. I thought that she had been right when one day, I was particularly fatigued and asked to go to the doctor, maybe I was dehydrated or something, and the nurse took to me to the doctor, and called my mother and the doctor told me that not only was I pregnant, I was six and a half months into the pregnancy.

When my mother got to the hospital, the doctor told her what he had told me, and she looked at me with shock and surprise. She gave me a hug, and reacted way better than I thought she would. She told me that we would work it out and asked me if I wanted to give the baby up, I told her no, and that it was Allen's baby. She immediately understood and we decided to keep the baby. Allen's family had died when Allen was only eighteen so, this was all that was left of his line and it was our child, made from love. I knew that I would keep the baby, so we began making arrangements, I was a senior in high school, but I would be able to graduate luckily before the baby was born. I had to put my college dreams on hold, but it was going to work out fine, because this baby would be the greatest blessing ever.

So, the day after I graduated, I was seventeen going on eighteen years old, it was exactly nine months after Allen's death, and little Arianna Sakura Kanzaki was born. She had his onyx black hair and my emerald eyes. She was the most perfect little girl ever. She was the apple of my eye and I took to motherhood very easily. My mother pushed for me to go back to school, and get my degree, I had always wanted to work with children, so I decided to go to college, part time of course, and get my degree in social work. So, a few months before Arianna's first birthday, I made the decision, not only for me, but for her, to give her the best that I could, I would go back to school. So, at age, nineteen, I began my college career. Then it happened.

I had put Arianna into daycare, and it was okay for a few months, it was August when it happened, I was a little late in picking up Arianna, because I had to meet with a professor, so I called the daycare and told them that I would be about an hour late, they said okay and I was relieved. So, when I got there, they looked at me oddly, when I asked for Arianna. They claimed that my brother had come in to pick her up. That was impossible because Mamoru was away at college for a recruiting session. They said he had signed her out and everything. I immediately called my mother and she said that Mamoru was still at the college and would not be home until the next day. I told the daycare and then called 911. I rushed out, hoping to possibly catch a glance at who had taken my baby girl, my only baby. It was by far the worst day ever. When the cops came, I told them what had happened, and then the daycare relayed their story and then the officers told me to go home in hopes that someone would call or something and that they would look for my baby. I agreed and I went home, hoping that this was some cruel joke that Mamoru had played and that I would have my baby back home when I got there. Mamoru arrived home that same night when Momma had told him what had happened. He saw me and gave me a hug and swore that it was not him. So, I believed him. The next day was Arianna's first birthday. It was not a good day, not as it should have been. Two days after Arianna's birthday, I received the news from the police officers, they had found Arianna, but that she was dead and they wanted me to identify her body. I fell to pieces that day. Momma and Mamoru took me to the morgue to identify her body. It was her, my little baby, looking pale and lifeless, her beautiful black hair all in disarray and her emerald eyes enclosed behind her eyelids. I asked the cops what had happened, angry, and in tears. They told that someone had called it in, saying that there was a baby lying dead in the park in the middle of the city. The baby matched the description of my baby, my only little girl. I nodded and asked if they had any leads on who had done it, they said that the woman who had called it in, witnessed a tall man with platinum colored hair, so, it was on that day that I walked away, inwardly vowing revenge on whoever had killed my only little girl. Platinum colored hair is not an average color, so I vowed my revenge.

I was obsessed with finding out who he was, the detectives on my case, gave up, they couldn't find any leads as to who the man was. I was determined to figure it out and I made it my life's mission to find out who had murdered by only child, my little Arianna. I finally got a break, when I saw a man that matched the description that I had fit to memory from the eye witness statement. I watched him, and found out his name, Dilandau. That was all I needed. I fashioned my appearance to be appealing to him, I grew my hair out and hung out where he did, I was obsessed, when at work and after I graduated with my degree in social work, this was all I did. I finally got into his good graces and discovered what he did, and why he did what he did to my little girl, he and Allen had a dispute, and he was the one who had killed my Allen those years earlier. The father of my child and my only baby girl, Arianna, died at this man's hands. He would therefore die by my own. I had pledged my life to it. I had finally cornered Dilandau and told him who I was and before I could take him down, everything went black and I was in the hospital with a gunshot wound in the abdomen. I was left with a choice, either continue to find him and risk my death, or come to these classes and admit my problem and finally let my daughter rest in peace and hope that justice prevails. To be honest, it was either this or jail, and jail would not let me accomplish my goals, it was around that time that Momma and Mamoru had an intervention for me, they were worried for me, my health and my mental well-being. They recommended I come here and get help for what they thought was a problem, I love them so here it is, I'm here.

"…That is my story…and my reason…"


	3. Step One Make a Change

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Kaylie-chan: Still don't own Escaflowne --- but here's the next chapter, switching up the POV, its Van's this time – jus an FYI so you guys can know whats going on!

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**Step One – Make a Change**

She looked up from the podium, her bright green eyes a mix of tears and anger, had it been me, I would have probably felt the same way. Dilandau, I know that name, he was who my brother, Folken, used to work for. But my reason for being here was that I was addicted to crystal meth. I had stopped using a few months ago, and had to go to these meetings to keep my PO from bothering me about it. I had been to jail a couple of times because of use and distribution. Oddly enough, I had my degree in accounting so I was pretty good at what I did monetary wise, but I was changing my life and had to go to these stupid meetings, but yet and still, there was something about the girl, Hitomi, I think she said her name was, that drew me to her, and I had to find out more about her. She walked off the stage, and her eyes locked with mine, she blushed when she realized that I noticed her looking at me, and I had the oddest need to push her long hair away from her face. I watched her sit in the back of the group, off to herself. She was within my eyesight without making it look obvious and I made it my mission to speak to her before she had left.

"Mr. Fanel, would you like to speak tonight?"

I turned when I heard my last name being called, that fuck ass man loved to hear stories, didn't he? I lifted my head and shook it. The man seemed to feel like letting me slide since everyone was still caught up in the girl – I mean, Hitomi's story, what she said and what she didn't say. There was so much that she just skipped over, but there are always things that you had to take to the grave, even I understood such a thing. I looked back over at Hitomi as some random person got up and started talking about their addiction. She was just sitting here, her posture one of either contemplation or exhaustion, or perhaps a mixture of both. Who was to know for sure? I sure as hell didn't, but I was going to make it my mission to find out.

"Okay everyone, we are going to meet here, tomorrow, same time, okay? If anyone would like to talk to me at a different time, you are welcome to do so, if the meeting needs to be cancelled I'll let you all know ahead of time. Have a great night, and remember, you can conquer your addiction."

That fucking psychiatrist needs a life. A woman, hell a man, just something to get him to think about things other than our problems. Fucking class is stupid. What was the point? I never did understand these stupid things. I stood up, intent on finding Hitomi and speaking to her, when she and I ended up colliding head on. I guess we were both trying to get out of that place as soon as humanly possible. I grabbed her before she could hit the floor,

"My bad."

It was all I could muster to get out of my mouth, she looked up, her emerald eyes staring into my own, they then hardened slightly,

"It's fine. Just watch where you goin next time."

I widened my eyes slightly and then rolled them in her direction. I had to say something though, but I didn't know what to say, so I did something lame,

"What's your name again, I didn't catch it."

She raised an eyebrow up at me, and pulled her hoodie over her head to cover her beautiful auburn colored hair and hide her emerald eyes from my stare and she spoke,

"Hitomi Kanzaki"

I put my hand out,

"Van Fanel"

She looked at me oddly, but she let her eyes soften very slightly and she took my hand,

"Good to meet you, Mr. Fanel. Bye now."

She turned and walked out into she night time and I stood there, I had just got slighted by a female. I shook my head and walked into the night as well and as I walked to my car, I noticed her silhouette walking towards the bus station. I got in the car and as I was driving, something compelled me to stop for her. Fucking emotions you would think after all these years I'd be over them, but anyways, I stopped the car in front of the bus stop,

"Ms. Kanzaki, it's dark out and a lady shouldn't be left alone, something may get her. I'll take you home."

She looked at me like I had grown a second, possibly, third head. I was confused. What did I say? But she laughed, well, she didn't laugh, her eyes did, I saw it run across her face, before she shut it behind the wall that she seemed to hide all of her emotions behind, and she nodded,

"Just know, I'm deadly with any weapon even those not perceived as weapons, thanks to Dilandau, that fuck bitch. Anyways, thanks for the lift, Mr. Fanel. But please, call me Hitomi."

I laughed at her usage of curse words, seemed so odd coming from her mouth, as rough as she perceives herself to be, I couldn't believe that she actually likes to curse. Oh, and positive note she told me to call her Hitomi, today may actually be a good day afterall. Best not, let it be known how I'm feeling right now,

"Only if you call me Van."

I winked to be playful and she actually laughed, I mean, all the way, it was melodic, and there was a slight innocence still in it that had not yet been lost. Perhaps, rehabilitation is not only a judging but a becoming and changing. That was when I made it my decision to help her turn into the girl that that smile and laugh showed who she truly was and perhaps, she could rehabilitate me, but who knows about the ending, I just made it my mission to make her happy.

We rode in silence,

"I live at 1932 Medclef Street."

I nodded at her directions, I knew where that was, actually, it was only a block from where I lived. I turned down her block and dropped her off.

"Here's my number, if you ever want a ride to the clinic or just want to chill together or something."

She smiled and took her phone out, and leaned into the car, to hear me say the numbers,

"214-324-5522"

She put the number in her phone and texted me so that I got her number and she walked into her house.

As I drove off to my own home, I smiled to myself, today, today was not as bad as I thought it would be.


	4. Step Two Make An Attainable Goal

Kaylie-chan: Still don't own Escaflowne --- but here's the next chapter, sorry its not my best work, but i figured i should get you guys something.

Me and Sun-chan been hella busy wit senior year in college and all that fun stuff...but here's the next Chapter!!!

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**Step Two – Make An Attainable Goal**

This is how we continued, for the next week sessions, we would go and he would take me home. It was nice to have someone who didn't want to know every little detail of what happened to Arianna and every little piece of information that I had on Dilandau. It was good to just talk and laugh; I had almost forgotten what that was like. He still didn't tell me what his addiction was, and to be honest, I really didn't care, what could be worse than what I was addicted to? I had yet to tell anyone any of the horrors that came into my life when I decided to go covertly into Dilandau's operations and the training, although useful does leave its own painful scars, and the police have been trying to get me to tell them where Dilandau was last doing his operations from and I refused to tell, after all, what would it matter, it's not as if he was still doing his operations from that place anyway. He had moved on, and I decided that I would try out this whole, Rehabilitation thing and if it didn't work I would go back on the chase looking for him, I did it once and I'm sure I can do it again.

I looked over at Van, he never asked me what I was thinking whenever we had our moments of silence, he just accepted it and continued to drive. I really appreciate that, he never forced anything out of me, unlike that stupid guy in the sessions, stupid psychiatrist, and it wasn't his turn at the sessions to talk about whatever his addiction was. I was surprised he would even have an addiction, he looks like he could BE someone's addiction, but that's about as close to addiction as I could take. I decided I was done thinking to myself so I decided to speak, but before I could he opened his mouth first,

"Hey, are you hungry? I'm pretty starved, there's a café not too far from where you live. We could go there and then I'll take you home."

I raised an eyebrow, and a million thoughts raced across my mind at once and before I could decipher all of them, I heard my voice speak,

"Sure. I'm starved!"

I was shocked, I told myself that after Allen, I would never let myself get caught up with any man, and that the loss of Arianna was enough to keep me from even thinking about anything other than her or Allen or the man who killed them both, and yet here I was, being led into this café by Van, a man who by all accounts has been very sweet to me, but as distant from me as the day is long, and yet, I couldn't help but feel drawn to him, like I did the very first night I spoke and told about my addiction, and my eyes were drawn to his. It was very awkward by all means.

"Van, is there anything good?"

He motioned for one of the waitress' to come by and asked for the menus for us, and thanked her politely after she gave them to us,

"Well, I love their coffee, so I'm probably going to have that and a sandwich."

I shrugged,

"Sounds good, I'll have the same, except not coffee, I'll have a tea."

He nodded and called the waitress back over and gave her our orders, she nodded and walked off to put it in. We spoke about nonsense, things that didn't really matter, and I couldn't take it anymore, I had to know what it was he was addicted to, I thought I didn't care, but I couldn't find a thing wrong with him, so, being the blunt person that I have learned to be, I decided to ask him,

"Well. You know my addiction, and I have yet to figure out yours, in the words of that damned psychiatrist that we both hate, what is your addiction, Mr. Fanel, would you care to share?"

I put the last part in my most professional sounding voice and we both laughed at my rendition of the tone of the man, and then I noticed that he was kind of hesitant in his reply, so I asked again,

"What are you addicted to, Van?"

He paused. As if he was not sure what to say, I knew that I probably shouldn't continue to prod especially because he was being so nice to me, and everything, but hell, I wouldn't be me if I didn't press it just a little bit. So I asked again,

"Van, you know my addiction, it's only fair I know yours. I promise not to judge."

His face showed no emotion, and I looked at him, my eyes searching his to fin the emotion hidden behind them. He closed his eyes to me and I leaned back in the chair. He opened his eyes and spoke,

"Crystal Meth."

I looked at him, examining his features, not really in shock because to be honest, I have heard every addiction in the book. However, I would never have pegged him for a crystal meth user. They usually look old, tired, and have an odor not to mention the worse thing of them all, meth mouth. But I tried to hide what I was thinking and I made sure to keep his eyesight even with mine,

"Really?"

He nodded and then shrugged it off, clearly showing me that he did not want to continue talking about the issue, and I relented, for now, only on the basis that I would slowly get more out of him than just crystal meth, there had to be more to the story, I mean, crystal meth? What about it? I'm pretty sure he dealt it, most users do, how long did he use it for though? Why didn't he have any signs of formication? We didn't say much else to each other after that, luckily however, the waitress came back with our food and we ate in a silence that wasn't comfortable nor uncomfortable, just, awkward, and I hate feeling awkward. It's pretty annoying in the grand scheme of things, but whatever, I can deal.

I change my mind. I can't. He better speak to me, fuck this, I'm gonna speak then. Shit.

"So, are you from Tokyo or did you just move out here?"

He looked up from his food with a questioning glance but relaxed and swallowed his food as he prepared to answer the question,

"I'm from Tomoeda, but I moved out here a few years ago, two, maybe three years ago to be exact."

"Well then, how old are you?" I inquired,

"I'm 23 years old." He replied frankly and without much thought, clearly a reflexive answer.

I nodded, to show that I heard him and said nothing else. After a slight pause, he spoke up,

"Do you work?"

I looked at him oddly, what kind of question is that? But instead of laugh I nodded,

"Yeah, actually, I work at a small orphanage, the Sakura Diamond Orphanage."

He nodded, and I smiled a little thinking of the little children that I cared for everyday, giving them homes and new futures, things I could never give my little girl. I came out of my thoughts when he spoke again, his voice a little softer,

"Do you do it for her?"

I said nothing just looked at him sharply, and he cleared his throat trying to explain his question,

"I mean, do you …you know, do you , uhm, do the work at the Sakura Diamond Orphanage in memory of your child?"

Although a part of me wanted to cry at the mention or thought of Arianna, I resisted the urge and spoke softly,

"Yeah…I do. To see those children grow up to become everything that all their little hearts' desire, yeah, that they can do everything that my baby girl will never be able to do…"

My voice cracked a little bit towards the end and I didn't get a chance to finish my statement because he quickly cut in,

"That's a good and noble cause, Hitomi."

I smiled softly, nobody had ever told me that, not anyone who truly knew the story, my story, and my little girl's story. So, in the steps of rehabilitation that they always talk about, step one would usually be to make a change. Step two, make an attainable goal. I think I got it. But what my goal is, it may have to change, but it'll work one way or the other, you know?

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Sun-chan: Hey Everyone...sorry its late but she had to help me wit this work...its piling up!!! but we took some time out and got ya'll this! hope yu guys like it! OH AND PLEASEEEE REVIEW --- this part of the reason its been takin us so long, we dnt know if any of you guys actually like it, have anything to say about it...please help us out and review...it'll make us update quicker! ^__^


	5. Authors Note

Hello everyone!

I just got a new computer sooo i'll be back with another chapter real soon!

-Kaylie-chan


	6. Step Three Face The Past

Hey Everyone! I'm not gonna say much, Sun-chan has been pressuring me to write this because we both know how long its been since we last wrote...and to be honest, I missed writing so me and Sun-chan got our heads together and decided that its time to continue this story, and perhaps finish the other ones...and start some new ones...

By the way, you guys already know that I don't own Escaflowne ...I just own the story line and the fic =)

Anyways...on with the story!

**Step 3:**

**Face Your Past**

- Hitomi POV -

Well, it's been a few months. I can honestly say that I feel myself becoming the girl that I used to be. Yes, I miss Arianna, with every breath that I have within me. Yet, I know that my little girl is safe somewhere resting with an angel, perhaps even looking over her dear mama.

Me and Van are progressing nicely, he and I are the closest of friends, and I feel as though, perhaps, maybe, I don't know, maybe we could be more. But I know that I shouldn't afterall, I am only a friend, and all I want is to finish this stupid process, and continue on with my life.

I know that I will never find another like Allen, but I will not try to either and I will not love I mean, like, Van. I will not allow it. I won't.

Great, now I'm looking at my own reflection in the mirror, having a mental conversation with myself, I must be crazy.

"It's official, I'm crazy, afterall, who just fights with themselves about life, for kicks? Why, Hitomi Kanzaki that's who!"

I rolled my eyes at my own reflection and got dressed, tonight was another meeting. Van would be meeting me there, he said he had some business to attend to beforehand, so he couldn't take me. Oh well, I guess I'll just keep it moving and go on ahead to it, I hope he makes it in time.

I looked at my phone as I walked down the stairs and stopped mid-step. October 11th? Today is October 11th? I touched the small pendent that I wore on my neck,

"Arianna..."

I leaned against the wall, today was my little girl's birthday. Tears threatened to spill and I held them in. Today would be a very bad day to go to the meeting, but it was a court mandate so I have no choice. I pulled my hoodie out of the closet and put it over my outfit.

I wanted to make an impression on Van so I had put on dark blue fitted jeans with a spaghetti strapped shirt that was pure white and I was going to wear a small half jacket because it cool in October at night, but I left the jacket and put on my big hoodie and instead of letting my now waist length hair hang, I pulled it back and into the hoodie and put it up over my head. This would be a long night, but I refuse to let another know exactly how much I am hurting. Fuck that.

I finally arrived at the meeting after about an hour of walking. I could have gotten here faster, but I wanted to walk instead of take the buses. I needed time to think. My little girl, who I loved and still do love so dearly is celebrating her birthday in heaven. I miss her so much.

I looked down at my hand, unconsciously clutching the picture of her in my hands. I sat down in the far back, further than usual and let the tears fall, silently. I miss her so much, it still feels as though my heart will never heal and I'll never be able to move on.

I don't know how long I sat there, crying, silently, until I felt a light hand on my shoulder I look up, my eyes red and my face streaked with my tears, to see none other than Van. He looked different, wired somehow, but in his eyes I saw a softness.

"Do not pity me Van Fanel. Leave me be."

I didn't mean to say it so harshly. After the words left my mouth I could hear the harsh tone and anger behind it. I didn't mean to say it that way, I was just hurting and needed my little alone time, granted I was here in this meeting, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to be alone, if even for the slightest of seconds.

He looked at me oddly and immediately moved his hand from my shoulder, and I immediately missed the warmth that it gave to me. He moved and sat away from me, on the other side of the room, and kept his eyes on the psychiatrist. He didn't even look my way, not once. I guess it was my fault but I was too caught up in my emotions to let him see that I was hurting now not only from my little one's passing but from hurting him, the one man that I've cared for in so long, and he didn't even know it.

I sighed in frustration, today is getting worse and worse apparently.

"Stupid life sucks balls right now.."

I muttered to myself, I leaned back in the chair and waited for the night to be over. Listening to these people is getting more and more boring as I go through these weeks. I suppose I'm supposed to learn from their battles, and gain strength from their strengths, but all I need right now is a drink and some sleep. Today is a rough day by all accounts.

An hour later and finally the meeting is over. Finally.

(( an hour later ))

I stretched as the meeting came to its close. This whole meeting thing was going to make me want to shoot myself in the head, I really don't see what I'm learning from sitting here. I stood up and calmly left, raising my hoodie above my head. Van didn't want to speak to me now, especially because of how I am reacting today, I want to tell him its not his fault, but my pride is getting in the way of that, and I'm not going to change myself for him. No matter what, but he looked so peculiar today. As if something was wrong with him. Something deeper than what he would be willing to tell me. He seemed on edge. I shook my head, it wasn't my place, and I wasn't going to stick my head where it didn't belong, next thing you know, I'd find out some things that I probably don't want to find out.

And to be honest, I'm way too old any more surprises. Ugh. Boys.

"Hey Hitomi!"

I quickly turned my head, who in the world is calling me right now, in the dead of night, I'm halfway home, anyway. I smiled, it was Van, but he looked worried. I wonder why? I wave to him, for a second forgetting that today was one of the saddest days of my life. Arianna would be happy that I am semi-happy, right? She wouldn't be angry would she? No, not my little girl, she'd be happy and she'd probably be reaching for him, playing with his hair, and no, I would not think of such things, Allen would be so upset with me if I did.

I stopped waving and turned my back to him and continued walking, seems as though he decided to walk today, that was weird, he always drove, but he seemed odd today. I shook my head again, thinking about him made me feel guilty, confused, and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on. Then suddenly, I fell, against a hard surface, I looked up in confusion, what in the world is .oh my goodness. This could not be happening. I refused to believe it.

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Well, there it is! The next chapter! Hope you guys like it! Sorry it's taken so long for me to get it all together! I'm going to try to update more often from now on, promise!

To my reviewer who noticed something off about some of the descriptions, its for a reason, you'll see it later on in the story ~_^

Review Review Review!

you know...it makes me write quicker...I swear, it does!


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